Aragorn and the Missing Toenail
by ArwenTurner
Summary: Serious Stuff! Sexy King Aragorn Looses his toenail and all hell breaks loose....Oh dear god this is scary stuff! (Be afraid...be VERY afraid...)(VERY RANDOM!)(I think I was drunk or on sugar or somethin...)
1. Shock Horror Discovered

**Aragorn and the Missing Toenail- ****Chapter One.**

_AN...Be afraid, be very afraid. Readers with Heart Problems...or newly-fitted pacemakers should click away onto disney or something. And check all toenails before reading. Author does not take any responsibility for madness or increased bookings into mental hospitals after the reading of this. Please keep your hands at your sides and feet in your shoes for the duration of this...thing. Thank you._  
  
It was early one morning, and Aragorn awoke.  
  
"It's early and I am awake." He said to the empty room. He yawned and hobbled over to the mirror and put on his crown. "Yea Crowny, Yeah Kingy baby, work that crown!" He winked to his reflection. "Have a good day, you sexy king!"  
  
He done a double take.  
  
"Rewind to my first line...why was I speaking to an empty room, where is my Queen Arwen?? I must look for her."  
  
He rushed back to the bed and looked under it. Something moved.   
  
"Darling! Why are you under the bed!" He reached out a hand and retrieved a small white mouse.  
  
"Aaaah, imposter! Aaaaa, why am I holding a mouse? I am the king. I can get someone else do do that...SOMEONE ELSE!!!" He yelled, and conveniently, someoneelse walked in.  
  
Someone Else: "What, my Lord??"  
  
"Hold this mouse."  
  
And he did. Aragorn walked out into the garden and looked at all the flowers. Then he remembered Arwen. He wandered into the kitchen, where his wife was standing, filing her nails.  
  
"Hey my Queen!" He said.  
  
"Yo." she replied.  
  
He was happy now he had found her.  
  
"I am happy now. I am a happy, sexy King. Aren't I sexy??"  
  
"Whatever." she said, and continued filing.  
  
"Grrr." He grred.  
  
He went back to the bedroom, where someoneelse was still standing quietly in the corner, with the mouse. He lay down on the bed, careful not to knock his crown. Bored, he lifted his legs and pretended to cycle in the air, but, he realised that was too much effort he didn't have to do...he was King, after all. But, shock horror, he realised something was HORRIBLY wrong!!!  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA SOMETHINGS HORRIBLY WRONG!!!" He observed.  
  
He leapt up like a short leaping thing....a sexy kingly leaping thing of course. "aaaaAaAaAAAAAAAAARWEN!!!"   
  
Arwen ran through pulling twigs from her hair. "What's up?! You made me so scared I jumped out the window!"  
  
"No time for that. LOOK!" He pointed at his toe. The toenail was missing.  
  
"I'VE NO TOENAIL. WHERE IS IT??!"  
  
"Eeew, dude, that, like mings!"  
  
"I can't be sexy with ten toes and nine toenails!!!! Middle Earth can't have a King with horrid feet...I'm not a hobbit for god's sake!!"  
  
At that moment, five hobbits ran in, said "Oi!" and shook their little fists...then ran back out.  
  
"We must find the toenail. Get me your father Arwen!!! I need Elrond!!" he stormed out and stormed right into Elrond's place, which was conveniently nearby.  
  
"EEELROND!!!"  
  
"Right at you!" Elrond shouted out and ran out to meet him, and kissed him passionatley.  
  
"No, no, Elrond..." Aragorn said, pushing him off. "Not now...."  
  
"Oh right. Ok" Elrond said. "Be right back." He returned with two beers and ushered Aragorn into the living room and turned on the tv (yes there was a tv...Elrond's magical.) And put on a football game, shoving a beer into his hand.  
  
"No no, not that either." Aragorn said, getting irritated. "I need you to summon a council for me."  
  
"OMG those Hobbits haven't got ANOTHER highly-dangerous-ridiculously-small item have they?? For gods sake, why didn't Gandalf just get the eagles to fly them from the start, jeez. I had to miss The Weakest Link to hold that council!"  
  
"Elrond. Please! I have a very serious matter. I have lost a toenail." He said seriously, showing Elrond the offending toe.  
  
"This is serious. Right. Council is tomorrow at 2. Free beer....and cheese."  
  
"Sounds good."  
  
_**THE NEXT DAY, 2PM.**_  
  
"Right, now we're all here!" Elrond announced as the last Dwarf shuffled in, dressed in Drag.  
  
"Hey, why's that guy in drag?!?!" Aragorn asked.  
  
"That will be answered in the next chapter!" Elrond beamed. And they all done the macarena until you (the reader) click onto the next chapter...


	2. Stuff Happens & Everyone Does HappyDance

**Chapter Two of the insanity.**  
  
Everyone stops dancing and takes their seats, panting slightly.  
  
"Now, you all know why we are here..."  
  
"We don't really!" Everyone said at the same time.  
  
"We are here..." The Sexy King started. "Because I have lost my toenail. It may have been stolen..." Audience gasps "Yes, yes, it's horrible. But, my friends...you are here....to help me. I am asking one of you to go on a quest...yes, a quest...to rescue my toenail and so retain my sexiness."  
  
"Oh thats terrible...YOU'RE STILL SEXY!!" Someone called out.  
  
Aragorn smiled in sexy pride. "Why thank you...but I fear the sexiness may fail. I am prepared...to leave home once more...yes, friends, it's true...I have been driven to be accompanied on a quest...which may well affect my sexiness also...to find, once again, my toenail.  
  
"YAY!" Everyone cheered.  
  
"You have my second-sexiest-in-Middle-Earth looks" Legolas said, joining him.  
  
"You have my axe!" Gimli squealed from the drag.  
  
"Oh god, I'm not having that drag queen anywhere NEAR my feet with that axe!" Aragorn groaned.  
  
"You have my blessing." Arwen smirked. "I'll wait here."  
  
"And you have your own Sexiness!" Elrond beamed.  
  
And so that was it.  
  
"The Friendship...Of The Quest For The Toenail!" Elrond said dramatically, announcing it. He did add, however, that noone was obliged to actually do anything, and could drop out, but who could drop out after it had been announced so dramatically...and where did the music come from.  
  
"The Friendship..." Elrond started again, and so did the music.  
  
"Heh, wheres that music coming from?" Gimli said, adjusting his coconut bra.  
  
"I dunno, but I like the status it gives me. I like it! The Friendship...Of The Que..."  
  
"All right, All right." Legolas said, throwing Gimli's pink thong at him.  
  
"OI! How the hell did you get that?!?!"  
  
Anyway, onto more pressing matters. The Friendship made their way to Mordor.  
  
"Hey, Why are we going to Mordor??" Legolas whined in an annoying whiney way.  
  
"Because thats just what happens with groups leaving Elrond's councils. One of us will probably die...we will get stalked by some frog...and we'll blunder onto Mordor, with a ring probably." Gimli said, impatiently...and annoyed as there was a breeze going up his skirt, and he was now thong-less due to the annoying elf before him....  
  
A year or so later, the troops, weary and dirty, stood at the door to Mordor. Aragorn was moaning.  
  
"Noo, noo, I'm dirty..I'm no longer sexy...waaah, it's all your fault!" He said to no one in particular. "Waaah!"  
  
"Oh shut your moaning." Gimli said, and took off his silver toe-ring and tossed it into the fires of Mount Doom.  
  
"Right, thats that done...we can look for the toenail now!!!" Gimli announced, and Legolas squealed with delight.  
  
"Shutit, elf-boy. Why are you still so clean anyway??? DIE!!" Gimli yelled, and wresled him to the ground.  
  
A few minutes later, when they were quite finished, everyone trooped back to Rivendell...  
  
Another year later, they were there.  
  
"Why..." Someone random asked, but it remained unanswered.  
  
Things had changed in the two years.  
  
Aragorn screamed a girly scream when he arrived home.  
  
"AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"  
  
There we go.  
  
Arwen walked out, with a visibly pregnant stomach, a little curly-haired girl on her hip and...Pippin walked out behind her holding a newborn baby.  
  
"What on earth....?!?!?" Aragorn screamed.  
  
"Heey, My sexxay King!!" Arwen called, running over and smothering him with kisses. Pippin blushed, handed the baby to Aragorn and shuffled behind a tree, where he hid for most of the day.  
  
"Are these all mine?!" A silly, can't-count Aragorn asked.  
  
"Yea!" Arwen said uncertainly..."This is Pipette" She looked to the girl on her hip. "That's Pippin Junior you're holding...and theres this one on the way!"  
  
"Nice names" Aragorn mused. "Maybe Lil'Pippin here will become a sexy king like me one day!" He smiled at the baby.  
  
"He is so stupid." Legolas mused.  
  
Arwen stopped. "Oh, I just remembered something...there was this box by your bed...I forgot to say before you left."  
  
She handed him the box...a tense moment...and he opened it.  
  
"MY TOENAIL!!!" He yelled with glee and joy and other happy adjectives.  
  
He hugged Arwen and they done a happy dance, but stopped because they were nearly squashing the baby.  
  
Gimli and Legolas celebrated by making up, forgetting their differences, and getting on the stage which was conveniently there, and dancing the hula-hula in grass skirts and out of nowhere everyone had cocktails with umbrellas and little pineapple pieces...and flowers rained from the sky and everyone was happy!  
  
At the last minute, Sam jumped on screen. "DRINK MILK!! IT'S GOOD FOR BONES!! AND MAKES YOU SEXXXY!"   
  
"OMG GET ME SOME MILK!!" Aragorn screamed!  
  
And so, Merry jumped out, done a spectacular backflip and landed infront of Aragorn, with miraculously unspilled milk...and gave it to Aragorn, who drank it and became sexy again.  
  
"Yass! I am sexy once again, I have my toenail, and a line of baby sexy kings to lead the future. Life is Goooood!!!"  
  
_AN...OH dear god..._


End file.
